The Quest for Brotherhood

“I go hither, I know not where. To bring back, I know not what.”

I’m going on a quest. A journey. A pilgrimage.

I don’t know where it will lead. I have a rough idea of the ground I want to cover.

Austin

North County San Diego

Oakland / East Bay

Portland, Oregon

I’m trying to “optimize for optionality” and leverage my remote work arrangement to live nomadically for up to a year while exploring communities I feel would have a high likelihood of being places for me to live near like-minded friends.

I’m going to stay open to opportunities rather than having a fixed target of what I desire or where it must be.

I like these three elements, taken from Jack Donovan’s The Brotherhood speech. I disagree with a lot of his ideas. But these three are solid.

Brotherhood, Family, Ancesters.

So simple, universal, and yet almost non-existent in modern culture.

He also references archaofuturism – whereby we can blend new technologies and ideas with ancient practices and natural lifeways.

I want to live near like-minded men and women in a community where we are interdependent on each other and our fates are bound, while being less dependent on the state and corporations. Cohousing meets ecovillage meets lifestyle businesses.

I’m really into the idea of brotherhood. Men around the fire. Rites of passage, initiation rituals. Commitment and solidarity you can count on.

Family by choice.

I’ve spent a lot of time with my family by birth the past year and a half.

Since moving home and living in a medium sized house with my mom, dad, two grandmas, and occasionally my sister, I’ve really gotten a lot of adult family time.

It’s been really amazing to witness the transformation from tension to comfort with each other. To start functioning as a multi-adult household beyond childhood patterns.

I also have a great community here in the Boston area. So I might end up back where I started, seeing it with new eyes. Or I might end up in another part of the country. Or in another country altogether.

All I know is… I’ll be living in community with like minded men and women. Building businesses, families, and tribes together.

I went to the gym today to clear my head and get back on track after a really emotionally difficult week – being sick and having lots of intense feelings come up. I sat in the dry sauna afterwards, pretending it was a sweat lodge, feeling my anger come up and praying to my ancestors for guidance. Powerful.

I definitely want my tribe / family / community to have an ancestor / nature worship component. It’s really important to me.

Aho.

Feel Loved No Matter What

I'm here to feel Loved, no matter what

I really think this is like the secret to life.

Most of this is based on the work of Dr. Laurence Heller who wrote a badass book called:
Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship

And an interview with Annie Lalla on the Self Made Man Podcast.

Basically… Because of developmental trauma, a lot of us are walking around unable to take care of ourselves. When we were little, we needed to rely on others to get our needs met. If the environment was unable to meet our needs, we compensated for it by limiting the embodiment and expression of our truth to preserve the attachment relationship.

Like… I wanted to be hugged. So I cried. Then no one came. So I protested. Then I got angry. Boom. Sympathetic nervous system response. No one came. So I got quiet. I shut down and numbed out and disassociated from my body, because continuing to be angry and scream may have jeopardized the primary attachment figure relationship… Which, to an infant that cannot survive on its own, codes as deadly.

The energy was just stored in the body. And it interrupted the free flow of life force.

So now, as an adult, I can logically take care of myself. But when someone doesn’t text me back for a while… Or when someone I care about gets angry with me… Or when I get anxious or angry and I’m not sure why… It feels a bit out of control.

It feels like I need someone else’s help to regulate myself. My central nervous system and emotional state. But I don’t. It’s nice if I have someone who loves me and would help soothe me… but it’s like making breakfast. It’s nice when someone does it for me. But if I can’t do it for myself, I’ll starve.

And that’s where many of us are right now. Literally starving or overwhelmed emotionally because we never learned how to self-regulate our emotional state and central nervous system.

Turns out it’s pretty easy. Well, not easy – but simple. Annie Lalla outlines two practices in that podcast I referenced:
DEEP BREATHING + ENERGY CYCLING

Deep breathing is just like it sounds, with a small twist. I like to do a modified 5×5 breath. 5 second inhale, hold for 5 seconds, 10 second exhale, hold for 5 seconds exhaled, repeat.

I actually count by saying “I love myself” 3 times (and 6 times for exhale).

The energy cycling is similar to tantra or taoist practices. Annie describes it a bit differently (I like to put my own spin on things) but essentially you focus on a point a few inches behind your third eye and a few inches behind your navel (I go a bit lower to where the second chakra would be) and then you move your attention up and down as fast as you need to in order to maintain focus on it.

I like to imagine energy going in the “microcosmic orbit” (got that from Mantak Chia books) basically going up the spine and down the front (or vice versa if we want to mix it up). It helps a lot – being aware of and responsible for my energy. You can also do other things with energy that I learned from Lawrence Lanoff – spiraling it out into the world, spiraling it back into you, projecting, devouring, shielding, inviting – all sorts of good stuff.

But the idea is that deep breathing grounds the energy and cycling the energy keeps it moving so it doesn’t get stuck or stagnant (my explanation, not theirs).

It’s freaking awesome!!!

Literally, this one trick is such an essential part of self care.

As Annie says,
“Being an adult is learning somatic self regulation techniques instead of expecting others to regulate me.” ~Annie Lalla

Wow. Truth.

 

Everything below this is just rambling that I intend to clean up and organize 😉

So if we follow that thread…

Taking radical responsibility for feeling loved is self care…

NOTICING

What if it’s really just about noticing?

What if Gratitude just means Choosing To Feel Loved? I.e. Noticing Love vs. Noticing Non-Love (Fear)

I’m here to feel loved, no matter what, and that’s the end of the story… And the beginning of the adventure.

I am responsible for me feeling loved. Assume love and see examples everywhere.

What if I playfully interpreted everything as evidence that I am loved?

“Taking radical responsibility for generating the feeling within myself of being loved by the other person.” ~Annie Lalla

GROWTH

If growth is about Feeling Secure and being fully alive…

“Anger is a life-supportive response intended to impact an unsupportive environment.” ~Laurence Heller

If I can’t connect with my own body and emotions, I can’t connect with others

“The price of freedom is eternal mindfulness.” ~Laurence Heller

I am a capable adult and I take good care of myself. I don’t need to fear death or other humans abandoning or overwhelming me. I love myself and care for myself.

I am producing earned secure attachment

SEX
It’s all about honoring my needs and getting them met in a good way, in a consensual container with clear boundaries

Sex is part of self care

Focusing on admiring and taking in the beautiful human being in front of me

I desire consistent cuddles, conversation, and sex (1x/week+)

Planting seeds and nurturing them. Gauging feedback. Expectancy without expectations.

PARTNERSHIP
I don’t date anxious or avoidant people – I only date secures: can offer reassurance without feeling smothered, can give space and autonomy without feeling abandoned

“Look for a feeling instead of looking for a person. The feeling in their presence of being fully loved, admired, and appreciated for who I am and they take a stand for who I can be, for my greatness.” ~Annie Lalla

“I don’t fall in love with someone. I fall in love with who I am in their presence, when I’m fully accepted and loved while they’re standing for my greatness.” ~Annie Lalla

Look for someone who will be a trampoline for my dreams as well as a refuge and sanctuary.

Train people into loving me the way I desire to be loved

Part of a relationship is educating each other and cross training on each other’s unique geniuses

“I’m angry. I love you more than I’m angry. But I’m really angry and I need to resolve this issue.” ~Annie Lalla
–> Helps other person’s nervous system chill out, because that’s what we didn’t hear growing up when our attachment figures / parents were angry with us

Sweet Incense

Sweet Incense
Like two bits of incense
Sweet smelling
Easy to get caught up

The smoke of illusion
Projections and patterns
Paving the way

As we look deeper
See the true purpose
The burning of life

May we help each other
Shine brightly
As who we truly are

Until fire consumes us
Leaving behind
Only a sweet scent

The Primal Sunday Experiment

Primal Sunday
Twelve months
Different men
One bonfire

Fucking unreal. Resistance and tension giving way to total openness and vulnerability. Relating to deep pain and ecstatic pleasure. Feeling a sense of expansiveness because even if I haven’t gone through something, one of my brothers has and has brought the medicine and story to share with us.

Literally saving people’s lives. From suicide and from a life of isolation and desperation. Carrying each other’s pain, sharing our own similar stories, and inspiring hope and fiery action.

All in just one Sunday a month, sitting around a bonfire. Getting real and becoming the medicine we need. Unleashing power, freedom, and love to bring to the rest of our lives.

The circle makes it safe to share all of ourselves. The darkness envelopes us and focuses our attention inward. The fire transmutes our pain. The water heals our souls. The moon holds our intentions, shining our inner light back to us. Helping us to see our way through the night.

Beaver Medicine

footprints

I set off as the sky started to darken, crashing down the tree laden path and away from civilization.

Away from the noise and electronics and artificiality I’ve let pollute my senses, leaving me utterly under-stimulated and over-stimulated at the same time – seeking out the dopamine hit of a Facebook update or an email. Leaving my phone behind and grabbing my headlamp.

As my walk starts to settle, I find a walking stick and it becomes my trusty companion for the next couple hours.

Onwards I walk, a bit stiff in the cold, hiding my hands as best I can and continuously pushing my hood up to keep it from blocking my line of sight, unable to decide between clear vision and sheltered warmth.

I think of Robert Frost’s famous poem; “A road diverged in yellow wood (and I couldn’t take both so I had to choose) and I, I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.” (May have paraphrased the middle a bit.

I think about how incredibly grateful I was to have heard that poem at such a young age.

I think about how fortunate I was to have had that be part of my middle class New England upbringing, instead of learning to be obedient and comform to the collective, or memorizing holy verses (a brief stint in Catholic school led to my first C and days of shame and guilt when I couldn’t remember the 10 Commandments… I still shudder when I think of that place. Clip on ties and forced Mass attendance… And I wasn’t even Catholic!).

No wonder I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drummer – despite the many instances of public schooling striving to crush my soul and spirit, sprinkled within were seedlings that fed that independent nature and inspired my curiosity as I sought to find my own path in life.

And finding my own path I am! After years of searching and working and studying and building valuable skills, I’ve finally landed the apprenticeship I’ve been preparing for. And within the year, I’ll be moving up to journeyman status, and then one day I’ll be a master marketer, able to take my skills anywhere I desire – like the masons of old, granted free passage because their skills were so in demand because they could make things like magic. That’s what I’m learning how to do – to make marketing systems that create sales and customers like magic.

It’s been an intense few weeks though. Between the apprenticeship and back to back weekend conferences – not to mention getting sick for the week or two prior to that – I’ve been neglecting my body, spirit, and soul. I haven’t been to the gym since end of February. It’s time to get back on track. Not by forcing myself, but by acting from self love.

Tonight’s adventure was a big step in that direction. When the paths diverged, I usually just kept going straight into the woods. That was my version of “the road less traveled.”

But the thing is – it is no longer less traveled because I keep taking it. Being rebellious is no longer rebellious when it’s my default reaction. So I decided to take the road less traveled for me (“turning right”) even though it may have been most traveled for others – it was new for me.

Just like lots of things in life. Like moving to a new city or getting my own apartment or starting new relationships. If I tried more alternative paths in the past, then something totally mundane and ordinary could be new and exciting. Like my first March madness bracket I filled out for work. Or seeing the super bowl halftime show and understanding why people like it.

Walking down the path less traveled on (for me, because I’m a weirdo and make my own path more often than not, so taking an existing path is new and exciting and subversive), I go deeper and deeper into the woods. It is cold and I’m walking like an old man. Stiff and empty and leaning on my cane of a walking stick. I come to a bench and sit down.

I sit in nature, feeling all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. The uncomfortable feelings drove me out of the house, and they followed me out here into nature – into a safe container where I can process them and get the wisdom and medicine I need to return.

I sit on the bench and let the world go on around me. I’m struck how utterly insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things, and yet how I influence the ecosystem just the same. Nature is at once a loving, benevolent caretaker and an indifferent, uncaring tapestry of intertwining thoughts, feelings, actions in endless numbers of organisms – organic and inorganic.

It makes me think of the endless intertwining tapestries of relationships that exist in our lives. The people I met at key junctures that impacted me – in big or small ways – all permanently connected to and woven into the tapestry of my life.

As I sit and meditate, dropping into a hypnotic trance state with my eyes open while constantly being distracted by the animal noises all around, I feel the urge to sit on the ground. I’m scared to sit. I’m actually scared to sit on the ground because I don’t want to get dirty and I don’t want ticks. So I squat. And I look down as sadness overwhelms me. I want to cry, but I can’t. I breathe into it. I remember that it’s not about the content, it’s about just breathing through the experience and not abandoning myself. Allowing things to release in this safe container of nature. I may have howled at this point.

Allowing the sadness to move through me, I am struck by a desire to connect more deeply with others. To truly see and be seen on a deep, intimate level. But it feels like there is no time or space for it in the rushed hurried nature of our day to day lives. How to make space for it?

And how to be there for myself. How to see myself deeply and give myself what I need first, before I can give to others and allow others to do the same. Realizing that I’m just an organism. I’m only responsible for myself – for my survival and reproduction (maybe growth and evolution too). I look at the plants and animals around me and they fucking get it – why do I forget so often? I don’t think Mr. Chipmunk is all torn up with existential angst about whether things are alright as they are while stressing over how they should be different. I don’t think the giant vine winding all the way up the tree is wondering whether the tree thinks it’s uncool or whether it’s doing a good enough job. It just fucking grows. It just exists. And that’s enough.

It makes me think of native peoples living in healthy tribes before western civilization and diseases utterly destroyed that way of life. I wonder if people in a tribe in the Amazon feel anxiety and low self esteem. I wonder if they stress about their penis not being big enough or not being smart enough.

It is astounding to think that maybe rampant anxiety and depression isn’t our natural state as humans – maybe it’s just a symptom of our disconnection from nature, from ourselves, and from each other.

I knew all this already. I just forgot. I got caught up in a few weeks of work, and I forgot who I was. I think that’s what’s happening on a global level. We get caught up in the day to day and forget who we ARE. Wild motherfucking badass beings with infinite potential living in finite bodies that need very little to be happy apart from what’s right in front of us – which we eschew in favor of chasing magic dragons that will never fulfill us. Sigh…

This makes me think of the blog post I never wrote about using potential child-rearing influence evaluations as a metric for socisl investment. I’ll just put it here because why not. Who knows when I’ll write again. I’d like to make a habit of it, but why not just get it all out anyways just in case. And then I can forget and go back to my busy artificial zoo human life compulsively checking my iPhone every 24 seconds. No judgment, lol.

So I’ll briefly mention this, and then if you guys want to hear more about it you can tell me in the comments. I am so motivated by validation and appreciation (words of affirmation) it’s not even funny. You can get me to keep doing pretty much anything with enough praise, affirmation, and recognition.

Here’s the basic idea…

I’m really into tribe building. Tribe building not as some obscure internet thing or having a million friends, but building towards a long term goal having 30-50 like-minded/hearted adults that I’m deeply connected to and that I see regularly (weekly or monthly at least) and that are just as closely connected with each other as they are with me. See the book “The Last Safe Investment” by Michael Ellsberg & Bryan Franklin for more on tribes.

I was thinking that a good heuristic for filtering people I desire to be in tribe / community with is – “Would I trust this person to help raise my child?”

And if the answer is no, why am I investing time and energy into them? Doesn’t my inner child deserve to be around people that nurture and inspire me? When I think of a child, I’m typically more mindful and conscious than I would be with myself (because most of us have been taught to systematically betray ourselves, so loving ourselves that much can feel like an act of treason).

The idea is simple – using the potential tribe-based child-rearing as a metric for social investment – because your inner child deserves it 🙂

It came out of this text message convo I send to a friend:
I’ve been feeling a lot of desire to raise offspring lately. Not necessarily anytime soon but in my life once I set up the circumstances for it. It is odd in the current cultural paradigms as a male to have childrearing be such a priority, but evolutionarily it makes sense 👶
I really want to be in an environment where I’m in a tribe and there’s many “alloparents” – trusted, safe, tightly bonded adults that help with communal childrearing. And also to do lots of personal growth work first and have the mom(s) have done lots of work on themselves first (and all the alloparents too…)
That’s like pretty much my core desire in life – both for childrearing and because that rich tapestry of relationships is very resilient and emotionally fulfilling for me
I’m gonna start talking about that on first dates and see what happens 😂

^kind of funny and goofy, but also really fascinating and holding the potential to be an influential metric for my major life decisions.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

So… Back to the forest… I gotta take care of myself, be that person for myself, and then I can attract others to reinforce it, but it’s got to come from within. Just like any other organism. I got my back.

I hear a voice saying, “just keep walking down the path.” I know I must continue. Mediocrity is “halfway up the rugged mountain” – can’t stop halfway, gotta keep going. To where? Who knows.

“I go hither, I know not where. To find and bring back, I know not what.”

I know there’s medicine and wisdom ahead for me on this physical woods path, and on the path in my life. I am accompanied by a chipmunk who walks with me for a while, going ahead and showing me the way.

That feeling I had of old age melts away as I walk, as I feel infused with confidence that I am walking down my own path in life and I just have to keep walking.

As I morph into a strong cavalier, I feel empowered and focused. The further I walk, the younger I get, regaining my youthful innocence. I realize that – as an organism, by myself, in the woods, as it’s getting dark, I would be well suited to have strong body language. Not to look cool, but because those are the optimal body mechanics for high performance and survival. Indigenous people aren’t ripped like fitness models because they go to golds gym – it’s because that’s what natural, healthy humans look like when we’re using our bodies fully in the world.

I walk under a tree crashed across the path – somehow still being held up by another tree. I think of my parents, and how maybe if I can just “do me” and keep standing and growing tall, then that might be enough to keep them afloat and taken care of as well.

As I keep going, a body of water appears to my left and I hear a loud noise, as if someone was throwing giant rocks into the water. I think it might be a kid on the opposite bank, but as I get closer to observe, I can’t see anyone and the sounds continue. Again and again. Until finally, I realize they are Beavers. I see their Beaver Home and I imagine they are using their tails to make those noises as they move.

I am honored and touched by the Beavers showing themselves to me. I know this is the medicine I came for. I’ve encountered Beaver medicine in my visions before, but never in real life.

I have this thing where I feel like I’ve seen a ton of things that will happen in my life, but then it takes so much time for them to actually happen. One of my mentors said once, “A vision like yours takes a lifetime to fulfill, so don’t feel like it has to happen right away.” Wise words for me to keep in mind.

Beaver is so perfect. The Builder. Ties in with freemasonry and its origins with the Masons who had all this power and ability to create, that they could go anywhere and even cross boundaries because they were so in demand and valuable. That’s what I’m hoping my marketing ability will grant me.

As I forge ahead with my apprenticeship, learning to build products and marketing systems – one day becoming a journeyman, able to hone my craft with others, and then a master – the forces of marketing at my command as I deploy them to create magic wherever I choose to invest my time and energy.

I’ll need it if I’m going to have a family and make my tribe vision a reality. To gather like-minded and like-hearted people together and lead them into a new way of living – a very old, primal, natural way of living that we are rediscovering together in this modern age.

Blessed by the Beavers, I do the tribute salute thing with three fingers from the Hunger Games (it just felt right) and start walking back. Darkness is upon me as I return, and as I walk, I welcome my feelings by name and dialogue with them.

First Mr. Fear, then Ms. Sadness, Mr. Anger, Mrs. Shame/Guilt, and Miss Joy. I invite each of them in by name and ask them what they have brought for me. I speak aloud their insights – E.g. “I am angry at myself for X, I am grateful and joyous for Y.”

The woods are cold, dark, and misty. Water vapor hangs in the air and walking through it leaves my face feeling wet and numb. The trees are as dark as the sky, and as I come to the fork in the path, I howl boldly into the night, before turning down the path from whence I came.

As I arrive at the tree from where I obtained my walking stick, still engaged in a dialogue with my emotions, I hear loud crashing up ahead. I see a handful of the most beautiful and fluffy tailed deer bounding through the woods ahead. So graceful and fast, only their white butts visible as they bound away into the distance.

Beaver and Deer. Two medicine animals I’ve worked with before in my spiritual journeys, now emerging in physical reality as well. That’s only the second time I’ve seen deer there, so this was really special and such a blessing for me. Exactly the medicine and guidance I needed.

Let’s hope I heed the signs sooner next time when I’m out of balance. So I can reach out and reconnect. Because I don’t have to do it all on my own.

Nature immersion and writing are both ways I can start to tap into that still, quiet voice that my soul uses to speak. Just because something is silent doesn’t mean it’s not important. When I get caught up in the busyness and find myself compulsively checking my iPhone, I will easily and naturally navigate towards more immersive, restorative practices (that can typically be enhanced by leaving my phone behind or in airplane mode).

And as I settle into this “new normal” – I focus on building and creating. Humbled and allowing Beaver to guide my chisel as I craft work after work, each one better than the last as I learn my trade and earn my power.

It’s time to start building and taking all of these ideas I have and publishing them. Not for anyone else, but for me. Because it’s therapeutic as fuck and at the end of the day, time passes anyways and I want to be able to point at something and say, “I made that” – not because I’m supposed to or because others tell me to, but because that is how I chose to embody and manifest the energies flowing out of my soul so that they may take shape in this material realm and hold power and intention for me.

Here’s more about Beaver medicine:

Beaver Power Animal Symbol Of Group Mind Master Creator And Builder

Essentially it’s all about taking something from idea to reality (execution) through teamwork and flexibility. Basically my apprenticeship in a nutshell. Beaver will be a strong ally in the process. So grateful for this experience.

Comment below and let me know what parts of this story most resonated with you and what your thoughts are. The more engagement I get, the more compelled I feel to keep writing!

Aho mitakuye oyasin

Namaste

Redemption

I’m working on a trial project that I’m really excited about. I’m learning how story themes can dramatically impact how we see the world. So I decided to write out my story through the lens of two story themes – Ascension (rags to riches) and Loss & Redemption (having something, losing it, and coming back to regain it or to get even something better). It fits really well.

family

I met my dad for the first time when I turned 1, and then I didn’t see him again until I was 3 ½ and my mom and I came to America. My dad had fled Communist Romania as a political refugee and worked in Turkey & Greece for years before getting accepted and sponsored to come to the US.

My parents had master’s degrees and solid jobs in Romania. They came here and my dad worked on call 80+ hours/week fixing boilers and my mom made window blinds for minimum wage. We moved 8 times before I started high school, because we were scrambling to survive and get access to better opportunities.

I remember sitting in kindergarten and feeling so embarrassed because I didn’t speak English, I didn’t understand the customs, I didn’t have any friends, and couldn’t understand what the teacher was saying and would always get in trouble for it. I vowed that I would do whatever it took to succeed.

I proceeded to try my hardest to get straight A’s, get into a good college, and volunteered to lead or start any club I could. I did co-ops and internships and started my own entrepreneurial projects. I studied abroad in Barcelona and started my own club promoting business there. I networked my hat off and even transferred schools to be in the center of the Boston entrepreneurial ecosystem.

The years of hard work paid off. I graduated college and landed my dream job. I was making way more money than I needed, I had ​an attractive, caring​ neuroscientist-to-be girlfriend, ​we were living in a nice apartment in one of the most popular parts of Boston, and from the outside it looked like I had it all. I had made it. Everything my parents worked so hard for.

It was good, but it wasn’t great. I knew I was settling.​ This wasn’t my life, this was the life everyone else wanted for me.​ I wanted more. So I decided to make a change, take a risk, and leave it all behind.

On July 4th, 2013 – I left my corporate job. And I invested thousands in life coaching school.

And my life basically crumbled.

I went from steady income in a prestigious role to making WordPress websites for energy healers and life coaching my friends, which I quickly got disillusioned by.

The quest to discover my path and my people led to stringing together internships, apprenticeships, consulting gigs, and educational opportunities. I had a business & tech background, so I gravitated towards marketing, product/project management, and design. I worked for free all the way up to $100/hr. It was a rocky road though.

I prioritized education, personal growth, and relevant experience over money. I valued my time and turned down opportunities that weren’t a fit. And thank god I had saved up for almost a year before doing it, because I would’ve run out of money long ago otherwise.

I broke up with my wonderful girlfriend of 2 years and moved back in with my parents.

I planned to take a year off of work to devote myself to personal healing full-time, healing childhood trauma and rewiring mental patterns and behaviors that weren’t serving me. Then my mom got cancer, and I helped manage the family real estate business while she went through surgery and chemotherapy.

I made $2,000 in 2015. Pre-tax.

But I invested thousands of dollars in myself. And in hundreds of hours of focused training with experts. It paid off big.

For the first time in my life, I feel unstoppable. I am clear on what I want, I have a realistic appreciation of my skills and blind spots, and I have the support structures in place to enable peak performance.

And now it’s time for my come back. For my Redemption.

I’ve got the opportunity that I’ve been looking for right in front of me. Years of training, waiting, doing real, hard, true work – all leading up to this moment.

An opportunity to leverage my Unique Gifts to help people that I want to be around and that I want to grow to become more like. The opportunity to build the experience and skills that will enable me to create what I desire to create with the rest of my life. Community. Financial Freedom. Impact.

The opportunity to take all my educational experience, my work experience, and my specific process and perspectives to make a huge impact on this project. My contribution will make the difference between tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars in this launch. And millions in the future.

Let’s fucking rock, baby.

Just Fucking Do It

lion

Today’s challenge was just to get this site up and write a blog post.

Boom. Done.

It reminds me of this book called “The Underachiever’s Manifesto” that extolls the virtues of “the right action, in the right quantity, at the right time.” Boom.

After spending most of my life as a perfectionist, this feels really good.

“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.” Fuck yeah – AND, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing half assed.”

So I guess this blog will involve excessive use of bad language. So that happened.

Today I woke up just ready to fucking go. I watched this Conor McGregor video where he says something like this…

“I am taking what I want and I am doing what I want. When you can rack up $500MM for the company in back to back events, you can do whatever the fuck you want. I am living the ‘whatever the fuck I want’ life. Whatever I want, whenever I want. And I’ve earned that through real work, sacrifice, and victory, and I continue to earn it through real work.” ~ Conor McGregor

It helped me realize that… We’re all living the “whatever the fuck we want” lifestyle. It’s just some of us don’t know what we’re choosing.

I am so, soooo grateful to be able to sleep in today. I feel energized and happy and grateful and ahhhh sooo good!

And I earned that shit. I earned it through working my ass off while living at home with my parents when everyone was telling me to go get an apartment in Boston and blow my whole paycheck. Which would have been fun. But now – three fucking YEARS later – I’m still living off of those savings, and they enable a level of choice and security in my life that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

And I continue earning it day-to-day. By showing up, and doing the WORK. The real work. Like Conor McGregor said…

“Everywhere I look, I see fake work or pretend work or pose work. I put in real work, hard work. And that’s it. People pull out all the time and people make excuses all the time but I just get on with it. I put in the work and reap the rewards and that’s it. And that’s why you see me with everything, I’m in complete control of this whole game.” ~ Conor McGregor

For me, the Real Work has been doing the internal mindset reconfiguration. Reconditioning my central nervous system and reprogramming the beliefs in my mental operating systems to change how I structure reality. This shit is hard, but it works. Way better than “staying busy” and doing the same shit over and over.

But action is key as well. “All I can control are my actions and, to an extent, where I direct my attention.” ~ Dr. Lawrence Peltz

Action and focusing the energies into building something REAL is where it’s at. That’s what changes EVERYTHING – feedback from reality that things are different. Everything has shifted. That’s what changes one’s self-image permanently. And then the actions naturally follow.

I guess that’s why I’m starting this blog again. I feel a deep longing to share what I’ve learned. To share my stories and be seen and heard, with the hope that these lessons will help others live the lives they desire.

To put my STORIES into ACTION in REALITY to create an ASSET that shifts my REALITY of how I see myself and am seen by others. Keep showing up, keep sharing, keep giving value and speaking my truth. Who knows where it will lead?

First blog post… Complete. Looking forward to showing up and putting in the time and work, trusting what comes out.

P.S. “2015 was my year. 2016 is also my year. Every year is my fucking year.” ~ our boy Conor McGregor